What is wrong with me?

I’ve asked myself this question, often subconsciously, for decades of my life. There must be something wrong with me… why else would I not fit into society? Why else do I feel like I don’t belong here, on earth, in these times? Why else would so many people tell me I need to change, or else…? I must be naive to think others feel and experience things as deeply as I do. How stupid of me to think that everybody sees things the same way. Perhaps the adults were right when I was a child. I am the one who’s wrong, so I just need to be like the others (more on this: Who is Humalien)

My parents didn’t think I was a bad child or anything like that. I was very welcome and received much love as a baby, especially since I was their first child. When I grew older, they loved me as well as they could… and I them. But when my father asked me why I couldn’t be normal, like other children, that question got stuck in my mind for many years. I was different… and this was not a good thing… for others, and thus for me.

Several adults, including some of the teachers, found it difficult to deal with me and the way I was. Most of the children of my age wanted little to do with me. I had some friends, but usually not more than one at a time and often with older children. These friendships were good, but I was often the outcast of the class. Several classmates would bully me, molest me, and humiliate me. Sometimes they were even encouraged and supported by the teachers or other adults.

I felt like a burden

I was a highly sensitive (HSP) and gifted child, but primary school couldn’t handle that. We had a different teacher every year. Some were nice, but the teachers in the last 3 years heavily suppressed who I was. This is not to complain, but rather explain how this effected me. I found it difficult to overcome the beliefs that were deeply imprinted from those school years. Everything that set me apart, was a risk of being bullied, left out, and not accepted for who I was. The worst was to feel humiliated and ridiculed for who I was. I now know that shame and humiliation are the lowest vibrations of all, almost like being dead. Sometimes, I wished I was.

At university, when I started a career, in friendships and relationships, these childhood beliefs quietly dictated how I felt. They influenced every decision I would make. I didn’t want them to, but this is exactly what happened beneath the surface. Some girlfriends told me I was not a real man. Ouch, that one really hurts. I heard I am too sensitive… and sensitivity is a feminine thing, right? I am overthinking things, so I should just stop thinking. That should be easy… anyone can do that, apparently. With so many steps on my way, people told me that I needed to change. They sold it to me as good advice, but it actually was about their own limitations and inabilities.

Why go through this?

People say that every family has its black sheep, and that they’re the ones to clean the family’s energy. I know I chose my family, gifts, and life, including all the trauma and pain, when I incarnated on earth. Maybe clearing my family’s karma indeed happened, but I believe there is another reason for ‘the bad stuff’. In the teachings of Ra, the Law of One, they speak of (in my own words) the power of choosing to change. Ra were speaking here of Service to Self and Service to Others, but it’s clear this goes for anything. Simply said, if you are on a path and then choosing the opposite, you will discover a great power inside.

We’ve heard of artists saying they express what is basically their trauma to create art. People that went through something terrible, used their experiences to come out stronger on the other side. Athletes use loss or injuries to return even stronger than before. Knowingly or unknowingly we are able to turn bad things into something good. And anyone who has experienced this, will tell you they only grew from it all.

We have the power to transmute our own darkness into light… if we choose to change our path. If we connect with our heart (and our true Self), we find nothing but love and compassion. What was holding us back, was us. We trapped ourselves in our minds and emotions, that then dictated our behaviour. This is ego… this is our own prison. We thought of ourselves as the prisoner, but we are actually the one that built the prison. Then, we became the guard of an empty cell, that is nothing but a mirror.

The prison of our own mind

To be honest, the mind is probably the hardest prison to get out of. This goes especially for someone who is gifted and a HSP, like myself. I process thoughts, feelings and sensations, at a more profound level, at multiple levels simultaneously, faster, and with more cross-connections. It’s impossible to explain this to someone who is not a HSP or gifted. In old psychiatry high sensitivity was seen as an indication of a personality disorder, but they couldn’t be more wrong. Science has proven in countless studies, that it is an innate trait. In fact, it is a beautiful gift (as is the giftedness), that should never be suppressed.

When I started to see my innate traits in this light, I found out they actually gave me great power. I had not felt safe enough for most of my life, to express myself as I truly am. I was judged and even punished, but the ones that did, could not see me for who I am. And I can’t blame them. After all, I didn’t acknowledge my true self for most of my life. The people that limited me, only did this from their own limiting beliefs. And it was easier for me to believe them, than to stand my own ground.

I started to escape by first seeing the things for what they truly are. No one made me feel a certain way… I did that. We always have a choice how to react in any situation, and I chose to be afraid and restrain myself. It was easier to see myself as the crazy one, and not the rest of the world. But the world around us is not an objective place, on the contrary. I made decisions that consistently confirmed my beliefs, like a self-fulfilling-prophecy.

Escape from prison

The key to the escape is in the change. “Change the things you look at, and the things you look at change”… I’ve read this quote many times, before I understood what it really means. I can’t change someone else, nor change what happened in the past or control what happens in the future. The only thing I can do, is choose how I respond now. That is a great power. I can choose to change my pattern, to not let former beliefs or emotions lead my thinking, and decide with my heart.

Sure, that’s easier said than done, but this really is what it basically comes down to. You choose. And when you decide to see things differently, you’ll find out that they don’t effect you like they used to. Once you see that the person who is angry at you, is actually afraid of losing power/control or they’re frustrated with themselves, your reaction to them will be different. This leads to a different reaction of them to you, and in the end a different outcome altogether.

There is no more need for anxiety when you realize that none of it will ever happen. Whatever does happen, you decide how you experience it. The only thing that is holding you back, is your fear of a possible outcome. Once you stop thinking of this possibility, you realize there is no more fear and thus no limitation. You don’t need to limit yourself in anything… everything is possible. You just haven’t experienced yet to look at things this way. Perhaps this won’t happen overnight, but you can create almost anything for yourself.

Take care of you

The expression “you are what you eat” is quite literally true. Every cell in your body is created from molecules that came from what you’ve put in your mouth. The same goes for what you experience through your senses. It’s how you perceive and create the world around you. By watching TV, you allow manipulation in, including things you’re not even actively aware of. The same goes for what you talk about, what you read, or sensations you want to have. Apart from the energy, being in nature with all your senses is a completely different world than a busy city. And how does art make you feel…?

As with your senses, you also control what you allow to be your thoughts and feelings. Even if things happen outside of your control, you can at least control if and how you react. Do you feel ashamed when you make a mistake, or do you laugh and learn? Do you feel offended if someone is angry with you for unjust reasons, or do you feel compassion for them? Will you give in to sexual contact or addiction when you feel lonely, or do you learn how to love yourself in that moment? It is all your choice.

Now, you’ll surely come across reactions that will not support this ‘new you’. You may see this as confirmation that this is not the path or that you went too far too fast. Just remember that it is their limitations that you see. Sometimes you can’t ignore this, so then you shouldn’t. As long as you are not limiting yourself by having these thoughts and feelings. That is only ego, and ego doesn’t like change. If you could use some guidance or help, a session, or just a second pair of eyes… contact me.

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